Love, Is That You Playa?

Let's be honest...many, if not all of us have experienced some kind of heart break right? I mean the kind of heart break where you SWEAR on your life that you would never love again.

Well, that particular heartbreak for me came when I split from my daughter Sapphyre's dad in 2012. Not to worry, I will give you all the details about how that ended in a future blog.

Since then, it seems that every relationship I had after that one was deemed to fail, but, it was mainly because I could not fully invest my heart. I was afraid of being vulnerable. I was afraid of the pain that falling out of love could bring. So, to defend my heart I built a wall. Boy, oh boy, was that wall hard to tear down.

However, I want to tell you guys about how love came and hit me right in the butt in the MOST unexpected way, this summer.

Okay, so being a single mom in a foreign country, I have relied HEAVILY on online dating to meet my potential Hus-Bae (I dislike the word "bae", but I like the term Hus-Bae, if that makes sense). Also, do not knock or judge those that online date until you've tried it.

Honestly, I hate online dating. So many pervs lying in wait for some insecure, fragile bait to come their way. I have been asked to participate in threesomes with a, get this, MARRIED couple! I have also been "approached" by lesbians posing under a male's profile. Sorry, but I'm "strictly dick-ly", if you catch my drift.

Anyways, many times I've become discouraged using online dating sites and I have deleted and recreated my account more times than I can count.

I was on this dating app on my phone and I was flipping through profiles, and no-one seemed to be making any sense in what they were looking for. I could not find one profile in about 40 clicks that didn't have their relationship goal set to "Want to date, but nothing serious". I was annoyed, irritated, frustrated, and everything else! How could these men, some of whom were in their late 30's not be looking for something serious?!

BUT, this summer in the month of July, I met the man of my dreams and I wasn't even really looking. He wasn't tall, or dark, but he was handsome. He had a job, he was open to dating a single mom, he had no kids of his own, raised by both parents, who were STILL married, and he was a believer in God. I hit the friggin' jackpot!

Let's call him, Jacob. So, actually when Jacob first messaged me, I was a little skeptical. He hit me up with the standard "Hey, what's up?", to which I wanted to reply, "The sky", but I thought this one time I would lay off the sarcasm. Instead, I politely replied with, "Oh, nothing much. Just here hanging with baby girl". I ALWAYS make it known to men that I have a child, straightaway. They can either accept it and proceed, or quickly agree that they are not ready for that kind of woman and move on; either way, I'm not offended.

So after talking with Jacob for a few weeks, he FINALLY asked me out on a date. What caught my attention and started the first phase of me thinking he might be "the one", was he offered to pay for a sitter in order to take me out!

This was MAJOR brownie points for Jacob and so, here I am, budding with absolute happiness because I have never ONCE had a man ask me out on a date AND offer to pay a sitter. It was as if Jacob straightaway did his "dating a single mom" research and decided to dive right in and show how serious he was in pursuing me. And although I still wasn't certain that I really liked him, I had to meet this thoughtful guy!

Okay, so LISTEN. When I tell you all that our first date was PERFECT! It was PERFECT! Jacob was the perfect gentleman. We went to dinner to this restaurant and bar in his part of the city. I was advised to order whatever I wanted and I made sure to tell him I wasn't a salad and water type of girl, to which he laughed; he thought I was funny and, well, I am.

The conversation was on point. We laughed and flirted and even held hands occasionally. The chemistry was just on and POPPING! After dinner, which he paid for, we went to play pool. It was a fun night.

The connection between us was so strong that I strongly contemplated getting down on one knee and proposing to him myself! It was like a dream come true.

After that date, several others followed and Jacob and I began spending ALOT of time together; and, when I say a lot, I am talking about the fact that we saw each other 4-5 times a week for months! Things began to move FAST!

I introduced Sapphyre to Jacob after the second date. My whole thing is, I rather my daughter had met him early on so that if they didn't get along, I wasn't in deep enough to feel bad about pulling the cord on what was transpiring between us. Thankfully, they got along just fine.

As weeks went by, the three of us began to spend a lot of time together engaging in "family" activities. About two months into dating, Jacob and I said, "I love you."

Now, get this. I did not even realize that each day that passed by where I saw or spoke to Jacob on the phone, each day that we made sure to send each other those good morning and good night texts, and each day we spent time engaging in silly snapchat posts, thatJacob was slowly breaking down that wall I had built up in the last 5 years.

We both opened up to each other about the tragedies in our lives, and I never had that before, except with Sapphyre's dad. And so when the time came and we said the "L-word", I realized that Jacob had freed me.

He freed me from all the self-doubt that I had built up. I always thought I was incapable of being loved, or even loving another man. I thought that my expectations were just too high and that's why men never stuck around.

Sadly though, Jacob and I parted ways. It was my decision, because although in the beginning he treated me like a queen, I quickly realized he could no longer hold up the facade and his true colours eventually began to show.

I know what you're thinking, "but I thought, that you thought, that he was the one!", yes I did. They say "love is blind" and indeed it is. I realize and I understand that some people are not perfect. But then again, some qualities in a partner should never be overlooked for the sake of love.

But you see, the lesson here is that Jacob was brought into my life to show me I could love again. He also showed me and led me back to recognizing my worth; I was worthy.

I was worth taking out on dates, I was worth spending time with, I was worth the good morning and good night texts without the "Oh, I was busy" excuse.

He showed me what I should and should not stand for. He showed me that I do not have to lower my expectations in order for a man to fit into my world of single motherhood. And so, when he started to get comfortable and began treating me less than what I now knew I was worth, I had to let him go....just like Beenie Man said I should (you saw what I did there?).

What Jacob gave me in 2017 was something I desperarely needed in order to find true, pure, and unadulterated love in 2018 and I thank him for it.