Baby? Who's having a baby?

Okay, so by the heading you probably guessed that this story is about my daughter, Sapphyre. Well, it is.

But first, since I want to be completely transparent, I would like to tell you all a story I have not told many people and it may shock a few of you that know me personally. However, I am using my blog to help and inspire others, so here goes....

In early 2011, I had a miscarriage, (while attending university in Canada)...or so I was told. I was dating this guy from Nassau and we, in all honesty, took the necessary precautions but things do happen. Now, at the time I did not even know I was pregnant. All I remember was sitting on the toilet, with so much blood coming out of my body that I thought I could have died. Due to by naivety, I assumed it was just a really bad period, except there was one big difference this time...there were two very large clot "sacks" that left my body as well.

The next day, I decided to go to the doctor. I explained to her what had happened and she looked at me and said, "It sounds like you may have miscarried twins". The words hit me right in the pit of my stomach, I just couldn't believe it. How could I not have known? How could my body betray me like this? I got home and I just sat there thinking and gazing. Because I didn’t know i was pregnant, I didn’t get the chance to start bonding with my unborn children. Angry and frustrated, I called the guy I was dating and broke things off with him, as a matter of fact, it was in that moment I realized I wasn't even in love with him, and who wants to have children with someone they don’t love, right?

In part I blamed him for the miscarriage as he was unfaithful to me and I had spent the previous several months arguing with him back and forth about valuing and appreciating me, and explaining to him how much he was stressing me out. I just decided not to deal with it anymore.

It has been 6 years and I still grieve silently about that loss. Apart of me sometimes wonder what my life would’ve have been like had I not miscarried. But then, I also wonder if maybe something would have been wrong with them developmentally why God took them back.

Now, in hindsight, I see the loss of those little beings as some kind of blessing. A blessing in which God was preparing me to be Sapphyre's mother. He was sheltering me from being a single mother to two children as opposed to one. He knew what I could and could not bear and he brought me through it. Although, I believe in pro-choice, I myself would never have an abortion, and so I thank God for what happened because I was able to graduate from Acadia with my Psychology degree and my head held high.

BUT, okay, enough of the sob story! Let's get to little Miss Sapphyre's story. A week before I was suppose to graduate from university, I found out I was pregnant. This time was different, because somehow I knew before I even took the pregnancy test. Although unplanned, I decided I was keeping my baby and that I would do what I needed to do to raise him/her to the best of my ability.

The day I found out I was pregnant, I calmly walked into Shopper's Drug Mart down in Wolfville, NS, picked up my pregnancy test without any shame, paid for it and walked out. The next morning, I peed on the stick and waited the agonizing 3 minutes recommended before seeing the result. And there it was, the clear blue test read "Pregnant, 1-2 weeks" and I didn't panic and I didn't cry. I just stared at the test while repeating in my head, "You're going to do this, and you will be great at it!". Next, although taboo, I began messaging all of my close friends telling them what I had just discovered and I was so happy to receive all of their congratulations and words of encouragement.

Later that day, I was taking a nap on the couch, with the pregnancy test (LOL), and the apartment buzzer rang, it was my adopted brothers Fritz, Rajiv, and Tondi. They were coming over just for us to hang out (we were all graduating that month!) so I tucked the pregnancy test under the pillow and went to open the door for them. Tondi decides he's going to take my spot on the sofa as I'm in the kitchen doing something (it's been almost 6 years, give me a break, I can't remember what exactly I was doing). Next I heard was, "DARRY! WHAT IS THIS?! WHO'S HAVING A BABY?! IS THIS YOURS?! DARRY, YOU'RE PREGNANT?!"

I'm standing in the kitchen frozen like a statue thinking to myself of how stupid it was to leave the pregnancy test under the pillow. As I try to gain my composure, here comes the three amigos into the kitchen to further grill me and my life choices. After several moments of shock, teasing and laughter, we all came to terms with the fact that I was pregnant.

We then decided to go over to Fritz's place to hangout and let me tell you, these young men would not let me open the car door, the apartment door, they didn't want me sitting in the backseat of the car, they didn't want me to lift anything, it was ridiculous. Within 30 minutes of finding out they were going to be uncles, they started treating me as a fragile piece of art! But, I loved the attention and I loved them! Uncle Tondi decided to give the baby the name "Tendai", until I found out the sex, which means, "Be Thankful to God", and now as I sit and write this entry, I regret not naming Sapphyre, Tendai :(.

Sapphyre's dad was of course over the moon (we'll talk about how things turned out between us in a future post) and excited. and I was relieved to know he would be there for me. I had concocted this whole plan of how I was going to tell my immediate family (dad, grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc.) of my pregnancy. I knew they would be upset, but the deed was already done. So my plan was that, after my return back to Canada to begin my life (I was moving in with Sapphyre's dad in Toronto, but went home after my graduation for my sister's high school graduation), I would call my family several times telling them of this "stomach bug" I was having, and then finally I would say that it got so bad the doctors wanted to do an ultrasound and then BAM....I find out there's a baby inside of me causing all the commotion! I had the story down-pat!

OF COURSE, things did not go as planned! I got severe morning sickness while back home for my sister's graduation and eventually had to come clean to everyone. Oh what a time that was. My dad was PISSED, but I basically told him to get over it because the child was already planted and there was nothing to be done about it. I tried to explain to him that I was basically a grown woman and held a university degree, so regardless, myself and my child would be provided for, because I already had the foundation of post-secondary education under my belt.

Eventually my dad came around. Most surprising though was when I told my maternal grandmother about my pregnancy she was SOOOOO happy! Like budding with joy happy. Like if she could have gotten up out her seat and do a little whine, she would have, happy! I think that she was excited that she would get to see and hold her daughter's first grandchild, since my mom wasn't here to enjoy it herself.

I guess the lesson or inspiration in this particular blog post is that God knows and understands exactly what we can and cannot do. He could have very well let me carry those two babies to term, or he could have very well handed me the same fate when I found out I was pregnant with Sapphyre. But, He does NO wrong. All we must do is learn from the lessons handed to us by experience and be ready to handle what God knows we can carry.

Any-who, I believe this blog has been long enough! I tried to offset the sad with a little laughter this time for you all. But in other news, my darling Sapphyre will soon be five years old, and I'm glad God gave her to me. She has taught me SO many things and I'll be forever grateful!

#unplannedpregnancy #miscarriage #pregnancy #support #baby